Journals156
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Small Update Regarding Writing
1 min read
Due to the new way DA wants lit works posted and issues I've had trying to work with that I've decided that I will no longer post written works on DA itself. Instead I will be posting them to Archive Of Our Own and Fanfiction. net.
I will update links to said places on my profile so they can be easily found. If DA ever stops being a pain to post on perhaps I will put them here again. Sorry for the inconvenience and I hope those still interested can still read and enjoy my works.
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'Bit' Of A Serious Thing
12 min read
For those still interested in anything I do this will a rather serious journal explaining my absence now and for the past few...what has it been, at least two years? I'm bad with time so I'm not even sure at this point. Feel free to not read this as it might be kind of a downer, or possibly triggering.
I've been gone, obviously, for a while but have made a few journals on and off about coming back and everything. I just want to start off saying I truly meant it every time. I want to come back and am trying. However, its not as simple as just 'getting back to it'. Within the last couple years I've finally faced the facts and come to terms and shaky acceptance that I have not only severe anxiety, but also depression. Due to life situations and limitations I haven't been able to see any professionals about it, even up to this point in time. While I'm not 'officially' diagnosed I'm not stupid nor ill-informed. I would never toss these terms around lightly and I can only hope those reading this believe me. I'm not sharing this here for attention or anything so I hope that is not what is being taken away thus far. I am only saying it because at this point I feel I owe some kind of apology to those who might still be here waiting for some sign of life to return.
I've tried, so, many times to come back. From trying to draw things, write things, ect. I've done quite a bit honestly, but...none of it has reached here. While I can't lie and say some of it hasn't just been from me being a lazy turd, a good deal comes from my own internal fighting.
Does it even matter if I post anything?
Is this good enough to even share?
What's the point? ect.
The usual inspiration/mood killer and more. I don't want to go into deeper detail for obvious reasons. There have been ups and downs and yet I've at this point guilted myself out of sharing anything on here. And to be honest, if it weren't for a few people talking to me via discord and such I...honestly don't even know what I'd be doing with my life right now. Considering I'm always on but silent aside from maybe a few words a month at times it...kind of means a lot to me. I want to give them a shout out and all but I'm not sure how comfortable they might be with that. Not that I think they'd be offended, but because my wonderful brain keeps telling me not to draw unnecessary attention for what logically I know are false fears for their reactions.
Not only is the struggle with my anxiety and depression, but powerful lack of self-esteem. Arguably the latter is a symptom of the first two, but its been around longer then the other two and is, to my belief anyway, possibly what lead to the other two growing as strong as they are. Its not something I talk about often, or at all really. I don't trust my own words to properly describe what I need them too and, honestly, I feel guilty as hell sharing with anyone because its not their problem and, you know, people have lives and issues of their own. Its that very feeling and thought that has made me shut down for so long, even when I thought I was in a 'better place' or 'good mood'. Hell, I've stopped talking to a few of my closest friends because of it. I try to reach out one in a while out of fear of losing them, but the contact doesn't last long because I fear 'taking up their time'. To be honest I feel that way now as I write this, thinking about who might be taking the time to read. I thank you if you made it this far and, of course, I apologize its kind of getting longer then I meant. Not to mention its probably really disjointed. I've recently not been able to sleep, going on almost three days of perhaps a handful of hours at best. so if this kind of all over the place I apologize...again apparently.
This was originally going to just be a short journal about how sorry I am that I've gone off for so long. How I really want to come back but I"m not sure how/when or even if I should, despite my wish to. To say that its not lack of want or care or anything like that. I guess...what I wanted to try to explain just how deep that want was and what was stopping me. But...I guess, to be fair to myself here, its...kind of so much more then that. I read a journal recently by another Deviant who learned and is dealing with his own depression and...being in the low that I am now, I guess it kind of opened the gates of something. To the point where I actually cracked enough to talk to my roommate about it. She was on her way to bed and I was just...dealing with some dishes and...something just clicked. We started talking and I couldn't shut my mouth. It was like, I suddenly just needed her to understand something. She is also in a low right now, but she stayed up with me and we talked for four hours straight back and forth about things. It was about as emotional as I ever got before as that...tends to be hard for me personally. It made me realize how much I've changed in the past few years, how harshly I've gone down this path without realizing it. Cutting away parts of me that could and most likely would want to help me.
Do not underestimate the help friends and/or family can offer.
I logically know this. I'm a giant hypocrite in regards to this and it was only when talking to my roommate that I fully realized how bad I let that become. She, being under immense amounts of stress I can't even fully comprehend, was not only still trying to talk me though my things, but was vibing with my issues. We...are more alike in our issues then is healthy in any one human being. I say that in the sense of, I can read it in her easily, but neglect it in myself, and she does the same on her side. When I got her to talk about what she was feeling and going through I found myself giving her advice and cutting into her negative thoughts in the same way I should be doing to mine. The feelings of inadequacy and lack of worth and wanting to give more of ourselves then we can handle, ect. They are same in both of us, but with differing triggering points and such. A lot of what I told her were things she and other friends had told me in the past. Even things new that I was telling her about needing to take care of herself first, not trying to shoulder everything at once, that...sometimes just surviving to the next day is the best adulting we can do. Its dual applicable... To be honest it was while going through this with her that...I realized something rather serious in myself that...I'd been ignoring for a long time.
I've given up on myself.
'Oh, a stand alone dramatic comment' I know. But, there is a reason, and its not for dramatic effect. Its to show the power of these words as well what comes next.
Giving up on oneself doesn't always mean suicide. I won't lie about not having it cross my mind, but rest assured I'd never self harm. Sadly not for me, but because I love those around me too much to ever come to that. I even went as far as to promise a close friend that if I ever even had a thought of it I'd call her. While I've been late on it once, I've never broken that promise, and only called twice in upwards of six or so years. Again, this isn't some attention grab. I just want the scope of this to be understood as best I can present it.
Giving up on oneself can take many forms. It can be hard to spot too, especially if you ignore it. I allowed my life to stagnate so badly that, if I'm not at work breaking myself to try to be 'worth the air I breath', then I'm home sleeping or hiding in a literal dark corner of my room. As I mentioned before about being on discord often, to the point of leaving the tab open even if I'm distracting myself with any other thing. I have open channels to friends on there and yet, I only really consistently talk to one.
One.
A single person out of all my friends (All literal eight of them, one being my roommate who is right down the stairs in the living room most of the time). I constantly battle with my desire to talk to them or share somethings with them, and then the fear of taking up precious time. Being annoying or not up to par with them. I've no reason to feel this way. NONE. These people all helped me through MANY tough times, even helped me to discover and learn my gender identity which was a HUGE load off my back I didn't even know I was carrying. I still struggle with it, but they all still are as supportive as ever...and yet this fear remains. No amount of logic or reminding myself of their love and care for me can truly overtake what the negative thoughts are shouting at me. The one person I keep up with daily isn't somehow different or 'better' then the others. No. I'm afraid how this next thing will be taken, but...I want to be as honest as possible here. There are two things that keep our near daily conversations alive. One, and its the hardest to admit, is because we rp continuously. Its...probably really insulting to say it but its...something that keeps me going. Its an anchoring point for me to have that. The second, which is just as anchoring, is that he sends random (and relevant) things to me often enough that it...sort of serves to push down the fear of 'what if I'm wasting his time'. Which I've brought up before and he's also assured me otherwise. I'm in no way saying everyone should do this to cater to me. Please don't. I only bring it up to show that my lack of communicating isn't from lack of interest, but a build of of fears. I managed to break it a few times to talk to some of the others, even did art recently due to said interactions.
I've never been good with social things to begin with so its harder for me to find a way to cope with it. But...I made a promise a long time ago to someone dear to me that I wouldn't allow myself to be fully isolated. While close to it, I can say I've managed to keep that promise.
That's what it all comes down to. My promises. I gave up on trying to do anything for myself that was outside the bounds of any of my promises. I don't strive for things I once did. I don't properly maintain my health like I know I should. Hell, I don't even look into the future for myself. I live day to day in a haze just congratulating myself each night on not braking a promise. When people say to 'enjoy the little things in life that keep you happy' I don't count the usual things like, making a home cooked meal, having a fun swimming trip, getting loved by kittens and doggos. While good and put in the 'positive' pile, the only 'little things' that I count on each night, is the fact I haven't broken my promises. Which is no way to live. And yet....
Going back and rereading all this I realize how jumble it all is. I'm so sorry. I usually try to be more organized but...I can't really keep my mind linear right now for some reason (probably tired). Like, I'm trying to get this all down before I forget it or spook myself out of going on. Though...at this point it might be better if I stop. I...never meant to go this far to begin with. Honestly instead of feeling fear or anxious right now I'm...kind of empty feeling. The past three weeks have been especially low for me and, I guess that other journal just...kind of made me want to try to explain myself.
I don't use my words lightly and when I can I try to make good on all my promises. I truly miss being here and I care for those that are here. Unfortunately I'm just...not strong enough to overcome my negative mind enough to return. I'm still trying though.
To those I lost contact with, despite having easier ways to talk to you I guess...this is my way of also apologizing to you. I still love you all despite my silence and I think about you every day. All of you.
Now, I'm going to go attempt sleep before I become any more confusing. Hopefully this journal wont make me cringe to bad later when I come back to see what I've done.
May all of you be well and loved.
I've been gone, obviously, for a while but have made a few journals on and off about coming back and everything. I just want to start off saying I truly meant it every time. I want to come back and am trying. However, its not as simple as just 'getting back to it'. Within the last couple years I've finally faced the facts and come to terms and shaky acceptance that I have not only severe anxiety, but also depression. Due to life situations and limitations I haven't been able to see any professionals about it, even up to this point in time. While I'm not 'officially' diagnosed I'm not stupid nor ill-informed. I would never toss these terms around lightly and I can only hope those reading this believe me. I'm not sharing this here for attention or anything so I hope that is not what is being taken away thus far. I am only saying it because at this point I feel I owe some kind of apology to those who might still be here waiting for some sign of life to return.
I've tried, so, many times to come back. From trying to draw things, write things, ect. I've done quite a bit honestly, but...none of it has reached here. While I can't lie and say some of it hasn't just been from me being a lazy turd, a good deal comes from my own internal fighting.
Does it even matter if I post anything?
Is this good enough to even share?
What's the point? ect.
The usual inspiration/mood killer and more. I don't want to go into deeper detail for obvious reasons. There have been ups and downs and yet I've at this point guilted myself out of sharing anything on here. And to be honest, if it weren't for a few people talking to me via discord and such I...honestly don't even know what I'd be doing with my life right now. Considering I'm always on but silent aside from maybe a few words a month at times it...kind of means a lot to me. I want to give them a shout out and all but I'm not sure how comfortable they might be with that. Not that I think they'd be offended, but because my wonderful brain keeps telling me not to draw unnecessary attention for what logically I know are false fears for their reactions.
Not only is the struggle with my anxiety and depression, but powerful lack of self-esteem. Arguably the latter is a symptom of the first two, but its been around longer then the other two and is, to my belief anyway, possibly what lead to the other two growing as strong as they are. Its not something I talk about often, or at all really. I don't trust my own words to properly describe what I need them too and, honestly, I feel guilty as hell sharing with anyone because its not their problem and, you know, people have lives and issues of their own. Its that very feeling and thought that has made me shut down for so long, even when I thought I was in a 'better place' or 'good mood'. Hell, I've stopped talking to a few of my closest friends because of it. I try to reach out one in a while out of fear of losing them, but the contact doesn't last long because I fear 'taking up their time'. To be honest I feel that way now as I write this, thinking about who might be taking the time to read. I thank you if you made it this far and, of course, I apologize its kind of getting longer then I meant. Not to mention its probably really disjointed. I've recently not been able to sleep, going on almost three days of perhaps a handful of hours at best. so if this kind of all over the place I apologize...again apparently.
This was originally going to just be a short journal about how sorry I am that I've gone off for so long. How I really want to come back but I"m not sure how/when or even if I should, despite my wish to. To say that its not lack of want or care or anything like that. I guess...what I wanted to try to explain just how deep that want was and what was stopping me. But...I guess, to be fair to myself here, its...kind of so much more then that. I read a journal recently by another Deviant who learned and is dealing with his own depression and...being in the low that I am now, I guess it kind of opened the gates of something. To the point where I actually cracked enough to talk to my roommate about it. She was on her way to bed and I was just...dealing with some dishes and...something just clicked. We started talking and I couldn't shut my mouth. It was like, I suddenly just needed her to understand something. She is also in a low right now, but she stayed up with me and we talked for four hours straight back and forth about things. It was about as emotional as I ever got before as that...tends to be hard for me personally. It made me realize how much I've changed in the past few years, how harshly I've gone down this path without realizing it. Cutting away parts of me that could and most likely would want to help me.
Do not underestimate the help friends and/or family can offer.
I logically know this. I'm a giant hypocrite in regards to this and it was only when talking to my roommate that I fully realized how bad I let that become. She, being under immense amounts of stress I can't even fully comprehend, was not only still trying to talk me though my things, but was vibing with my issues. We...are more alike in our issues then is healthy in any one human being. I say that in the sense of, I can read it in her easily, but neglect it in myself, and she does the same on her side. When I got her to talk about what she was feeling and going through I found myself giving her advice and cutting into her negative thoughts in the same way I should be doing to mine. The feelings of inadequacy and lack of worth and wanting to give more of ourselves then we can handle, ect. They are same in both of us, but with differing triggering points and such. A lot of what I told her were things she and other friends had told me in the past. Even things new that I was telling her about needing to take care of herself first, not trying to shoulder everything at once, that...sometimes just surviving to the next day is the best adulting we can do. Its dual applicable... To be honest it was while going through this with her that...I realized something rather serious in myself that...I'd been ignoring for a long time.
I've given up on myself.
'Oh, a stand alone dramatic comment' I know. But, there is a reason, and its not for dramatic effect. Its to show the power of these words as well what comes next.
Giving up on oneself doesn't always mean suicide. I won't lie about not having it cross my mind, but rest assured I'd never self harm. Sadly not for me, but because I love those around me too much to ever come to that. I even went as far as to promise a close friend that if I ever even had a thought of it I'd call her. While I've been late on it once, I've never broken that promise, and only called twice in upwards of six or so years. Again, this isn't some attention grab. I just want the scope of this to be understood as best I can present it.
Giving up on oneself can take many forms. It can be hard to spot too, especially if you ignore it. I allowed my life to stagnate so badly that, if I'm not at work breaking myself to try to be 'worth the air I breath', then I'm home sleeping or hiding in a literal dark corner of my room. As I mentioned before about being on discord often, to the point of leaving the tab open even if I'm distracting myself with any other thing. I have open channels to friends on there and yet, I only really consistently talk to one.
One.
A single person out of all my friends (All literal eight of them, one being my roommate who is right down the stairs in the living room most of the time). I constantly battle with my desire to talk to them or share somethings with them, and then the fear of taking up precious time. Being annoying or not up to par with them. I've no reason to feel this way. NONE. These people all helped me through MANY tough times, even helped me to discover and learn my gender identity which was a HUGE load off my back I didn't even know I was carrying. I still struggle with it, but they all still are as supportive as ever...and yet this fear remains. No amount of logic or reminding myself of their love and care for me can truly overtake what the negative thoughts are shouting at me. The one person I keep up with daily isn't somehow different or 'better' then the others. No. I'm afraid how this next thing will be taken, but...I want to be as honest as possible here. There are two things that keep our near daily conversations alive. One, and its the hardest to admit, is because we rp continuously. Its...probably really insulting to say it but its...something that keeps me going. Its an anchoring point for me to have that. The second, which is just as anchoring, is that he sends random (and relevant) things to me often enough that it...sort of serves to push down the fear of 'what if I'm wasting his time'. Which I've brought up before and he's also assured me otherwise. I'm in no way saying everyone should do this to cater to me. Please don't. I only bring it up to show that my lack of communicating isn't from lack of interest, but a build of of fears. I managed to break it a few times to talk to some of the others, even did art recently due to said interactions.
I've never been good with social things to begin with so its harder for me to find a way to cope with it. But...I made a promise a long time ago to someone dear to me that I wouldn't allow myself to be fully isolated. While close to it, I can say I've managed to keep that promise.
That's what it all comes down to. My promises. I gave up on trying to do anything for myself that was outside the bounds of any of my promises. I don't strive for things I once did. I don't properly maintain my health like I know I should. Hell, I don't even look into the future for myself. I live day to day in a haze just congratulating myself each night on not braking a promise. When people say to 'enjoy the little things in life that keep you happy' I don't count the usual things like, making a home cooked meal, having a fun swimming trip, getting loved by kittens and doggos. While good and put in the 'positive' pile, the only 'little things' that I count on each night, is the fact I haven't broken my promises. Which is no way to live. And yet....
Going back and rereading all this I realize how jumble it all is. I'm so sorry. I usually try to be more organized but...I can't really keep my mind linear right now for some reason (probably tired). Like, I'm trying to get this all down before I forget it or spook myself out of going on. Though...at this point it might be better if I stop. I...never meant to go this far to begin with. Honestly instead of feeling fear or anxious right now I'm...kind of empty feeling. The past three weeks have been especially low for me and, I guess that other journal just...kind of made me want to try to explain myself.
I don't use my words lightly and when I can I try to make good on all my promises. I truly miss being here and I care for those that are here. Unfortunately I'm just...not strong enough to overcome my negative mind enough to return. I'm still trying though.
To those I lost contact with, despite having easier ways to talk to you I guess...this is my way of also apologizing to you. I still love you all despite my silence and I think about you every day. All of you.
Now, I'm going to go attempt sleep before I become any more confusing. Hopefully this journal wont make me cringe to bad later when I come back to see what I've done.
May all of you be well and loved.
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Greetings people of the arting world
1 min read
Just a quick blarb to say I'm not dead and I'm not bailing out. Just had a stagnant period. I started drawing again recently, mostly random gem art for an AU I'm making. Nothing special in particular. A few other pieces here and there outside of that I'm actually proud of. Might post them if I ever get to getting my scanner up.
Motivation still 50/50 but hopefully will be back soon. Anyone still interested in the Shatter RotG fic, I've not forgotten it, just having a hard time restarting due to loss of materials.
Hoping to be more of a presence again soon, though not as much as before due to work. I still have commissions open. See last journal for details. Hopefully new new art can spark some interest in them. Anyway, thanks for reading. See you again soon.
Motivation still 50/50 but hopefully will be back soon. Anyone still interested in the Shatter RotG fic, I've not forgotten it, just having a hard time restarting due to loss of materials.
Hoping to be more of a presence again soon, though not as much as before due to work. I still have commissions open. See last journal for details. Hopefully new new art can spark some interest in them. Anyway, thanks for reading. See you again soon.
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Its been a while since I posted anything about it, but yes. I do commissions. They are about the only thing I don't procrastinate on. Those and Art Trades. Granted, I only have a few works under my belt, but I'll like to get more. Because I'm still learning and all my prices are on the low side. Allow me to remake my list of those here.
Points are accepted and negotiable per commission
Art Trade: Free of course. Art for art.
Sketches: 2$ (If really like the image I might make it into a full pic free of charge)
Headshot: 5$ (Basic bust not going past the collarbone)
Halfbody: 7$ (Anything ending at the hips. If its an oc that DOES end at the hips...congrats on discounted prices.)
Fullbody: 10-15$ (with wiggle room)
With color: Half the cost of the image itself for full coloring. If only bits are colored for emphasis price is negotiable.
With background: 5-8$ (Depending on complexities.)
Multiple people: xPrice (Basically just double what it was above.)
Writing
(These are going to be rough estimates going by the highest price. I will drop them depending on the story to give the best price possible. If the word count goes slightly over I wont add onto the price as I tend to love details.)
Short blarb (100- 500 words): 5$
Short story (500-1000 words): 10$
Full story (Not yet available, but working on it)
Prices fixed with help from
and 
Thanks friends~
Points are accepted and negotiable per commission
Art Trade: Free of course. Art for art.
Sketches: 2$ (If really like the image I might make it into a full pic free of charge)
Headshot: 5$ (Basic bust not going past the collarbone)
Halfbody: 7$ (Anything ending at the hips. If its an oc that DOES end at the hips...congrats on discounted prices.)
Fullbody: 10-15$ (with wiggle room)
With color: Half the cost of the image itself for full coloring. If only bits are colored for emphasis price is negotiable.
With background: 5-8$ (Depending on complexities.)
Multiple people: xPrice (Basically just double what it was above.)
Writing
(These are going to be rough estimates going by the highest price. I will drop them depending on the story to give the best price possible. If the word count goes slightly over I wont add onto the price as I tend to love details.)
Short blarb (100- 500 words): 5$
Short story (500-1000 words): 10$
Full story (Not yet available, but working on it)
Prices fixed with help from
and Thanks friends~
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To any who bother to read this
2 min read
I've mentioned this on skype but figured a small post here would probs a smart thing just in case anyone watches me anymore. :'D (I'm not too active anymore, sorry)
But since last week there has been a medical scare in my family so my attention has been drawn thin. Any activity on here is usually a distraction now. However, I got recent news that things are looking better and are more or less in the clear. Meaning in due time I shall do my best to return and do stuff.
As for the people still waiting on my RotG fic. It is not dead. I swear. The chapter and a half that was lost on my last computer crash has hit me hard and having to remember the minuet important details in just the right way along with my life stuff (not including the recent) has just killed me a little bit. However, I think I might be recovered enough to give it another go. I need to go refresh on past chapters to remember what endings I had in mind, but other then that I think in, lets say a few months a new chapter should be up. I am giving space for life interference because my soul literally just leaves me for weeks at a time sometimes. Bear with me.
Uh, yea, that is about it. Its late and I cant remember anything else to put. The RotG thing has just been the strongest guilt in me lately. Anywho, hope you are all doing well.
But since last week there has been a medical scare in my family so my attention has been drawn thin. Any activity on here is usually a distraction now. However, I got recent news that things are looking better and are more or less in the clear. Meaning in due time I shall do my best to return and do stuff.
As for the people still waiting on my RotG fic. It is not dead. I swear. The chapter and a half that was lost on my last computer crash has hit me hard and having to remember the minuet important details in just the right way along with my life stuff (not including the recent) has just killed me a little bit. However, I think I might be recovered enough to give it another go. I need to go refresh on past chapters to remember what endings I had in mind, but other then that I think in, lets say a few months a new chapter should be up. I am giving space for life interference because my soul literally just leaves me for weeks at a time sometimes. Bear with me.
Uh, yea, that is about it. Its late and I cant remember anything else to put. The RotG thing has just been the strongest guilt in me lately. Anywho, hope you are all doing well.
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